I just wiped my vajayjay with snow. Bad idea.
He fucked volume into my hair. It was amazing.
this must be what syphilis tastes like
Slept on the counter again. Mom covered me in an apron.
You need to always be prepared. Like a sex firefighter.
Little boy scout stared at me with judgmental looks while I bought 3 bottles of liquor but refused to buy popcorn from him
Maybe I'll make your dreams come true and pee on you tomorrow.
I yield to the immortal wisdom of one ludacris, who famously wrote, "can't turn a hoe in to a housewife." Indeed, ludacris, indeed.
I am on my usual post-jerkoff high of eternal happiness. Like I could punch a fucking tiger.
Dude we gotta go back to your cabin. left glenn. he's calling me crying and still drunk
Chicks before dicks must only mean American dicks
don't worry about my dad. he just hates you because you're liberal, not because we're fucking.
and it's like......my shirt is off and he's talking about quidditch. why.
My puke in the shower morning just turned into a puke in the restroom at work afternoon. I'm the human embodiment of dumpster fire.
So I was at my annual OBGYN appointment and when she saw the bruises on the inside of my thigh she asked if I had been horse back riding...I think my burst of laughter then awkward silence answered the question for me.
Randomize
