when you get a chance can you look up 'free abortion clinic' for me? cuz i dont think i'll be lucky enough for a second miscarriage.
It's hard to be above the influence when you are the influence.
so im sitting outside the gym eating a 20 piece nugget stoned out of my mind, convincing myself this is more productive because im so close to the treadmills.
accidentally stumbled into a construction site at 3am on the way home. The bulldozer was locked so we had to settle for rerouting traffic with all the orange cones...
He always tells me he misses my clit. I feel like I should make a drinking game out of it
I have words... I can't think of them tho. they keep melting together and forming you and I just want to hump it.
we gave you a glass of water and you just started yelling: TWO STRAWS, PATS AN ENGINEER HE'LL FIGURE IT OUT
Well yeah connect the two together, then you can lay down and drink.
PS: when I ask you if I look fat in a a dress DO NOT TAKE YOUR SWEET ASS GAY TIME to formulate an answer only to tell me in front of our family that perhaps I should buy Spanx. Do you WANT me to tell mom and dad you suck cock? Then be a good brother and have the common decency to LIEEEEEE!!!!
Thanks for your faith in my ability to stay sober while writing final essays. It's...unearned.
I just pulled a seven inch black hair out of my ass. Pretty sure that means we're dating now
On a scale from 1 to 10 how gross is it to get a chili dog from a vending machine?
Don't do it. It's 9 am on a Monday morning and I'm hungover. I can't deal with tears right now.
I finished my first whiskey and I'm waiting to have a second one in celebration when your pregnancy test comes back negative
Ya, It's probably because whenever I close my eyes I see a kitten playing a banjo.
Why would you ask him if you could lick his chest?
He has a very lickable chest
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