Flying to Orlando on the 7th is cheaper than the 8th by like three margaritas.
I wish there was some sort of "recently added" function for blackberrys so i could see what random numbers i got from the night before
remind me in the morning to get the random kid out of the closet and to clean the pudding off the wall
i think i made a good impression on his friends wen i survived 55 cup beer pong
i looked at my phone and realized all i had said to her the entire night was misspelled variations of "NOTHING IS THE SAME" over and over. she eventually stopped replying.
Turned on my GPS and all that it said in the search bar was "beer,"
Pretty sure I'm going to hell because of our friendship
Last one there wins
On our way there. Drinking my beer out of a coffee pot. Cuz it's my bday
I ordered a VEGAN pizza, because it gets here the fastest, just so I could get a 2 litre of Coke. For my whiskey.
Normally, it will inspire me to work. Today, it's inspiring me to masturbate.
The nice lady at the neighborhood liquor store informs me that we have a new woman-run neighborhood sex shop. Jesus loves me and wants me to have a happy Valentine's day.
I knew it was Christmas when someone handed me a stocking filled with airplane bottles. Ps just woke up 3 days later
Woke up with a $100 bill from the Philippines in my bra & an unopened box of sour patch kids next to me. I have some questions.
He was a Cher impersonator. They are the draggest of queens
Do you think Root Touch Up or Just for Men would work better on pubes?
Randomize
