Just took my morning after pill in the library
I actually had to roll up my long sleeves to masturbate. I hate the winter
Just so you know, coffee creamer+water does not = milk.
I am a terrible person. This is almost as bad as when I was going to see my ex while my boyfriend was at that funeral.
If it was designed to hold water, it was designer to hold wine
Please please please buy brown eye liner on your way home in the morning... I'm missing an eyebrow
The only explanation I can think of is that he still likes me. Which gives me an enormous amount of power over him and makes me laugh with malicious intent.
I am honestly trying to remember his name. All I can remember is that he had a weird mole, a daughter and a lot of cocaine. Please stop letting me pick up at gay night.
On her way to bed she said, "If you have sex on the couch, just move my blanket" Needles to say, we moved the blanket
When the theology professor asked me what touched me most about this trip to Rome, I guess "the guy from last night" wasn't the proper response.
A bitchslap is in order.
WHY ARE THE COPS ALWAYS AT DENNYS WHEN IMDRUNK!?
Best news I’ve heard all day. Cookies and dick. What more could a girl ask for?
He picked me up in Smart Car with the license plate “MYWHIP.” I think my ovaries shriveled up and died.
I showed up drunk and covered in glitter, smelling like stale booze and dirty stripper and my younger brother gave thanks his life wasn’t a shitshow like mine
That’s how my thanksgiving went
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