Have you ever seen a 300 pound pregnant lady's boob fall out of her shirt cuz she's not wearing a bra? I have.
She forced me to throw up so it would "rejuvenate" me. It worked and then we took six more shots and did a keg stand. You know what I call that? Friendship.
mom and dad sent me an easter basket full of beer pong supplies again.
Oh I woke up in my neighbors garage using one of their sleeping bags, as my neighbor was doing laundry in there.
I went in to wake you up this morning and you had a condom draped across your throat like a necklace. There were no boys in the house last night, what were you doing?
I CAN'T FUCK HIM OUTSIDE. THAT'S FOR PEASANTS. HE'S TOO FAMOUS FOR THAT.
I didn't think four grown drunk men could cuddle on a twin size bed, but we found a way.
I had to sit there with his three fat aunts talking about a bunch of 50 Shades knockoff books.
I felt like a taxi, but my meter was running up minutes he would be eating me out that night.
I feel like I would find myself in so much trouble if I hadn't married my DD.
For not really liking Christmas, I have an astounding amount of holiday-themed lingerie
She's hot and all. It's just I don't want to become Eskimo brothers with my sister
I knew it was you who came home last night because no one else would walk in at 3 am and start microwaving a burrito
I just watched an old episode of Daria while eating brownies to cure day drunkness. Clearly I'm winning at adulting today.
YOu just turned down my vagina. Something must be wrong. Vegas changed you!
I'm not wearing pants, but I'm wearing a tiara.
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