Yes give me all the cream and he's gone
Last night, my friend changed all my contacts in my phone. I have been texted by Batman, Donatello, and Hermione Granger. I have no idea who they are, and it doesn't upset me at all.
You know you're a nerd when you lose track of how many times you've gotten turned on watching Glee.
I haven't seen any of my friends sober in months. We have classes together.
It seems to me that once you begin comparing Jesus to hercules and calling him a super pimp you should put the wine away...
The AC broke so he ended up sleeping in the front yard and left his one night stand on the couch.
I ate goldfish off your shoulder, I think we had bigger issues
I found your wallet in my underwear drawer......... Don't worry I don't plan on asking any questions
Is it weird that I want to have sex wearing my glasses and lab coat while having an actual scientific discussion?
Pretty sure the cop told you that you were the first person he pulled over for being drunk on a tractor. So there's that.
Dude I swear I'm scooping human shit out of the litter boxes. What the fuck happened last night?
Pooled our money and rented a bouncy castle for the day. Get over here now. Bring vodka.
people need to understand when I say I don't want to drink anymore that doesn't mean tempt me with another bottle of Jose Cuervo.
Nothing says girls night like wine cheese and pregnancy tests 😂
It was sweet, he carried me out of my bathroom after I passed out, built me a pillow fort so I wouldn't roll out of bed, set a glass of water on the table, and brought me a mixing bowl to puke in. Totally a sign we're more than just fuckbuddies.
Randomize
