So called my VP's house on Sunday drunk and told him that if he didn't hire me for the new position I would skull fuck his wife. They asked me to go home today. Thanks again Vodka
I'm in love with you.
huh?
Don't be nervous. I'm just saying - if you had a dick, I'd suck it.
I just realized I haven't had steady access to a woman's body since I was breastfeeding.
just put cider in my bong. gotta love fall
He yelled IN THE FACE!! while cumming on my face.
That's a really weird place to spoon. Especially if there are more accessible places to spoon. Like a bathtub.
Is it bad that John just came to my work to have sex with me bc I felt bad that he slept on his porch last night locked out and I missed all his calls?
She's trying to master eating with her feet. She said it was be she "always has to be prepared."
Hey remember that spam cooked in dr pepper we made? 10x better when the dr pepper is rum
After sex he cried I didn't know what to do so I patted him on the back and went to the kitchen to make waffles
My uber driver just told me I smell like fun...still drunk at 7 am
She just called at a dance party, and you stopped mid puke to join. Another successful night.
I may be a complete scumbag but even im not willing to spend a grand and sit on a plane for 24 hours just for shrooms and a blowjob
We are best friends because we can vomit simultaneously in the same toilet and not care
I never knew it was coming. He was cute and nerdy, cute and nerdy, cute and nerdy, and then BAM! Best hookup ever.
Randomize
