just got a rotting pancake and bacon in the mail from your address....
Its Friday night, and I'm sitting at home watching are you smarter then a 5th grader, drinking vodka. I got every single question wrong. Clearly you see where I'm headed in life.
Have fun at school today. Try to hide that you're a whore. The other girls will like you better that way.
He put used condom on the handle of the plunger in the bathroom.
Lesson learned. Whipped cream will eat through a condom.
like he couldn't stop by and throw me in the back seat and ask for a blowjob? he had to give me flowers?
Listen, it's not like I meant to bust the window out. It just sort of happened. And I'm also sorry for stealing your dads bandanas.
How can someone be so bad at fingering? It's such a simple concept
Trimming my pubes at 1 AM, drunk, listening to Stevie Ray Vaughn. What has become of me.
Jesus christ stop updating me about every aspect of your life.
You're the only person I know that could get laid while visiting their grandpa in florida
I'm honored that you could tear yourself away from your girlfriend's vagina long enough to text me.
Well, I'm most mad that he lied to you (about being married)...but the CAT THING IS A CLOSE SECOND
As your friend, who loves and cares for you, I have to be honest. I am judging you so VERY hard right now. Sorry.
69'd by candlelight when the power went out.
Also Fuck you Stephen King and Fuck the horse you rode in on, making me cry In front of my coworkers.
Randomize
