Me hooking up with her is like rush being president. Bad news.
Vibrator and massage oils got stopped at security. Super.
The dog just did a longer kegstand than anyone at the party
I finally won that bet on when the anorexic girl would pass out at the gym. You owe me 10 now
Just before going down on me she said, "I need a hairband for all of the jobs I'm about to perform."
If I buy you $300 worth of popeyes, will that make up for me trashing the house?
Some chick just tried to plug her vodka into the wall.
Like that time I held Annie up and she peed all over the window.. We make a good team.
I've made my dad a martini every night since I was 13.. I got this
to instagram or to not instagram the picture i took of when i shit in the urinal
i rearranged my furniture so i could masturbate in the sun. how's that for spring cleaning?
WHERE THE FUCK IS MY ARM DO YOU HAVE ANY IDEA HOW DIFFICULT IS IS TO TYPE WITH ONE HAND
Can I get my morals surgically removed?
He lit my hand on fire and bought me chicken nuggets. I'm in love.
I was too hungover to sit up and pull the curtains closed so I did it with my toes
Randomize
