apparently, "please pick me up from the airport" also means "i got drunk on the flight and need to give you roadhead in broad daylight"
so thats when we found her crawling hands and knees up first street singing hold me closer tony danza as loud as she could
did she say where she was going
apparently she thought she was on morton hill and was trying to go back to the bars
She was telling me which girls she thought I should fuck or not at the bar. Why can't all one night stands be that cool after?
I know I've wanted to fuck him for the past month, but when you're that hungover, the only chemistry you have is with a pillow and a gallon of water.
Straight up asked lady in a lime green jumpsuit how to make your ass clap. That thing wiggled more beautifully than ocean waves at sunset
He's hitting it raw. Might as well stick his dick in a vat of SARS at this point.
This doesn't mean I'm going to attempt to find happiness with smooshy dick
Wait do you remember that guy last night asking to use my nose ring to open his beer.......
He took me out, we slept together, and he sent me home this morning with fresh cantaloupe. #husbandstatus
I am 95% sure I just heard my cat say "What are you doing home? It's Saturday night."
Don't worry dude, I've created a sex logic bomb to stop that sort of thing.
I'm actually more excited that I had so much sex this weekend that my ovaries hurt
I can't wait to shower all this regret off of me
Im drunk taking pregnancy tests with this really hot girl...i dont know what is happening
There's something sensual about taking off a pair of socks.
Randomize
