He literally had no idea who I was, so he made me turn around 360 degrees and when he saw my ass, he blurted out my first AND last name.
You may see me on espn tomorrow drunk, half naked, and selling articles of clothing to rich cougars like i did last year, but i will NOT be drinking shitty beer
Some dude just came up to me and stroked my beard, smiled and left. Shave?
Whoever decided it was a good idea to sell 40's at a bar with life-sized jenga deserves a nobel prize.
Would I be bad if I bought a pregnancy test at shoppers the same time I hand in a resume? Or do you think it would get me the job?
We have started to decorate penises.
i decided this morning while eating my breakfast of red bull and cold pizza that i should take a vow of celibacy
Also I've come to learn that "type" and "fetish" are different things. Apologies for earlier confusion.
Then I did coke with my taxi driver where he then ended up paying me for the drive. You should try being a girl sometime it's super sick.
Successfully put eye drops in while driving with my glasses on. Stoner level: expert
Nothing says "we're never gonna bone" like "nice haircut, it makes you look like my cousin"
I think I accidentally invented a religion.
Ok maybe now I get why I'm single I think I just broke a rib pooping
You literally just told me you're ditching me because of pizza. PIZZA? Wow.
I didn't think you were that drunk until you were trying to rub your foot on my vag under the table at the thai place.
Randomize