I just put lube in Matt's bellybutton. He looks unhappy.
Public safety found my id!
And i can't find my bra so i'm assuming they found my bra with my id which would explain the disapproving tone the lady on the phone had.
i wanted to tell my neighbors to shut up it was 4am, but listening to her rag on him for his minute man routine was actually entertaining
I just looked at the maps icon on my IPhone and "eR" was typed in the search address bar. I wonder if we ever got there.
I didnt realize my nipple ring fell out until he coughed it up.
Remember the girl passed out in front of my fireplace?
Seriously, I'm ready to settle for ugly and unemployed as long as he has decent hygene and likes to go down.
Also I'd like you to set a calendar reminder that goes off every day for you to take 2 minutes to think about what your life would be like without me.
I woke up in a trash can. Please dude. I don't know what I did to you last night, but I'm sorry. Epically sorry. Please call me back. Please.
Pretty sure I just became my mom's wingman
Gay bathhouses. They're actually a thing. So god does exist. And he doesn't hate me as much as you think he does
At this point, I'd date an ax murderer. So long as he doesn't cry all the time, have ED, or leave me with his unspayed cat. My list of requirements is becoming increasingly specific.
I'm thinking my boss switched to all cordless keyboards and mouses so that none of us would hang ourselves in the office.
I've been with my family a total of 20 minutes and I'm ready to go on a bender. This is going to be a long weekend.
The dogs decided to play a new game called "Who Can Scream the Loudest?"
I won.
Randomize
