My mom is pretending to be Paula Deen while making breakfast...I'm pretty sure she's sober.
Writing a love song to planned parenthood. what rhymes with "don't have AIDS"
the man who designed bathrooms to have toilets within easy puking distance from the shower is my hero
Going to have to start putting down newspaper if puking the bed is going to be a habit
FYI I'm about to upload a vid of you to facebook of you screaming "SNACK ATTACK" and throwing cheetos at everyone playing pong...
THEY WONT LEYT ME IN AND I REALLY NEED SOME FRUIT
We had a deepthroating contest with breadsticks at Olive Garden
Am I really in your phone as Asshole Jesus??
I used a jello pudding cup as a shot chaser last night. I'm the Bill Cosby of alcoholics
Remind me in the morning that I've now seen a guy do crack. That actually happened. I'm at the wrong party.
On one hand it was kinda weird his girlfriends stuff was at his apartment. On the other hand it was kinda nice because she had great shampoo
Came home plastered at 8am. Roommate had hot glued all the ashtrays and various items to their surfaces. Couldn't handle it. Went back to the bar.
I'm pretty sure NORMAL roommates don't have to hide each others sex toys from their fuck buddies.
His roommate walked in then asked "well did you at least finish". What a way to start your birthday
I don't need this shit right now. I just woke up covered in pistachios
Randomize
