You picked a bad night to stay in. ____ caught her hair on fire in ____'s birthday cake.
She had to stop drop and roll while two other girls beat the flames out. She might have a black eye
I'm at McDonalds and when I walked up to the register the guy said "I'm so sorry." Before I said a word. That's how bad my hangover is.
i just opened a bottle of wine with my dads power tools
What's the kids name that was drinking stale beer and redbull out of the blender?
she could've warned me his penis was curved
ya i dont think she expected you to get with her boyfriend.
I fake pass out to avoid hookups sometimes. Last night I fake slept on my bathroom floor for like 2 hours before the guy left.
Triple a is towing cars for free tonight and tomorrow night. Can we take advantage of this ?
Apparently I still called the officer "sir" despite the fact I was at a .21 BAC. Southern girls are raised right
It's hard to judge what a reasonable amount of cereal looks like in the spaghetti pot. We're out of cap'n crunch and milk.
Jenna, I'm going to use all my homosexual powers to steal him from you
Austin, I will climb on top of your shoulders and slowly suffocate you with my vagina
Yeah. Moral of the story: Don't mace yourself. It sucks dick.
I met my future husband in an elevator. Think Hispanic version of Dr. Bunsen Honeydew from the Muppets, but with eyes like Michael Fassbender.
I have unfollowed so many people the only things showing up in my newsfeed are dog rescues and sloth memes
I always felt my time would come in the form of a tidal wave of whisky
Hey I know we haven't talked in a while, but I wanted to thank you for those m&ms you bought me for Christmas. Sorry I never got you anything then broke up with you.
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