Sometimes I get depressed that my son is too young to understand how hot his babysitter is.
I told my rommate that he was pissing on his bed. He said "ok man" and took a step backwards and continued. He then went back to bed.
I would give my right arm to go back to college. Or maybe not. Would be kinda hard to pick up guys with one arm. Then again, knowin what I do now...I could take any freshman bithc with only one arm.
Home. Hour long discussion with mom. Very frightened. Eating a sausage. Don't remember making it. Confused.
Out of desperation, I used the leftover sauce from my goat masala as a mixer for vodka shots.
PS: I just woke up from my shower
I showed up to a booty-call in my onesie pajamas and rubber boots
but it was less of a make out and more of a goodnight kiss as a "thanks for giving our drunk asses a ride home and sorry we called your bar the worst bar in LA"
He sent me a poorly photoshopped picture of his shaved dick wearing a Hot Dog on A Stick titled "Shorndog"...
Though I do have to question why i found you and my brother passed out on his bedroom floor, no clothing between you except his tie wrapped around your dick
he taught all the little kids to ski. it was stupid hot. i'm pretty sure my ovaries exploded.
What a better way to celebrate that I'm single by becoming a stripper and making $1000 in one night
Also I like oatmeal more than sex.
So, I just ordered a breathalyzer for this weekend. I figured if I'm getting shitfaced, I should at least be scientific about it.
I always know im high when I can't remember how to pee.
Randomize
