then he asked me if i wanted to "handle his wingman"
He managed to scream "cowabunga bitch" before he went down on me. Let me know if you still like him.
hungover waitressing a bar association event. im being judged by actual judges.
Nothing quite like pre-gaming the Kentucky Derby with adderall and adderall. I'm fairly confident I could outrun all of these fucking horses in a foot race right now.
I only know two things that kitchen floors are good for... sex and quesadillas that got dropped. You know, the five second rule
The creepiest man is serenading me at the bar right now. I had about a quarter of a drink left and the bartender just walked over and filled it with vodka and walked away laughing.
The last thing I remember was wearing a sombrero and trying to do cartwheels in the club
You did one successfully. Then smashed into the wall
Never have i felt more judged than when i was throwing up in front of a hello kitty shower curtain at 5 in the morn
You walked up to me, grabbed my face and said "I just peed in the sink!"
Nothing kills the mood like him going to slap my ass and he hits his balls at the same time
I'm getting high with a 50 year old car wash guy. Enough said.
How far are you from my house? Do I have time to masturbate before you get here?
By the time we got to McDonald's you were sharing a Big Mac with a stripper.
Lately I've been very attracted to Kevin Jonas because he's like...less hot than Joe, but he's this healthy mix of both Joe and Nick. It looks like he's finally growing into himself.
If it were up to me his wife would never get his penis again, but I guess they have some sort of arrangement
Yes, an arrangement called marriage
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