Just saw my boss eat a banana in three bites.
She's like Mona Lisa when she's intoxicated. No one understands her but they all think she's marvelous
Party in the USA is so catchy!
Yea, so is AIDS.
idk if you're aware of this...but we could potentially have the greatest hate sex...ever.
the first sign of life we got from you was four hours later. you smiled without opening your eyes when tom whispered in your ear we were getting buffalo wings.
Next time, showing us his dick should be his entry fee into your house.
"Just cut me in half. Then take half of me home. And leave the other half here. Cuz I can't see."
Below this exterior of ice is a layer of cum. Followed by a pool of gin. More cum. Then, finally a heart.
"Local woman assaults strangers with sex toy" is a headline I never want to be about me.
currently working on a look that screams, "I'm dead inside, but still trying to enjoy the ride"
The guy who said he's gonna suck your butthole till your face caves in is at Maggie's
The part where he comes over and ignores you isn't what makes me mad about that story... It's the fact that he ate your tacos, AND THEN proceeded to ignore you. That's cold hearted.
Last time I "ran into him" I ended up with the clap and had to explain why the ladder was missing from the garage.
Should I be worried if two ants just crawled out of my purse?
Yes!
Getting a lap dance from a girl you went to high school with really isn't as awkward as you'd think
And she called me out by name, nothing could have made it more awkward but it ended up not being that bad
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