I left my keys in the garlic bread freezer in Publix.
Update from family reunion: my aunt Janet once got her legs stuck behind her head. The fire department had to be called.
i just posted a lake picture of you with a dead fish in your mouth. happy july 5th.
A guy just tried to send me a pic of his penis & my phone sent me a disclaimer saying "the components were unsuitable for your terminal"
Even your phone knows you shouldn't sleep with him...
Whales. Broccoli little trees giant. Magic in cat form. I want my loco and juice. Black in shower. Brb remember life.
This is a pre-sorry for hitting on and then sleeping with you're ex
My mom just called me to tell me that i dont have chlamydia. Awkward.
You guys wanna start around 10:30 tomorrow?
We can start at 5am for all I care. You ask like I have plans.
Also I'm at the pub and there are old lady pirates gyrating on a pole. I wish you were here.
found $100 my ex got arrested and I can receive free health insurance I gotta tell ya 2014 is really going to be my year
Okay. So I've done lines off a bible. But that's just for the sake of being cliché.
Also I am throwing a blaZer over what I wore to bed and calling it an outfit.
Does your Fitbit monitor your liver failure?
Maid of honor screwed up the joke so I just got to explain what a strap on is and why a married lady might want one to Grandma and my brother's wedding shower.
Lucky bitch I'm at work covered in Jeff pee. And my hair smells like beer because I was trying to prove a point about PBR serving multiple purposes.
Randomize
