also, made friends with this 75 year old millionaire Tony who likes to mosh. Don't ask.
so while we were having sex, he stuck it in my but, and when he finished he goes next time can we have anal. i don't know if that means im tight or my butt hole is loose, i choose to think the first one
the biggest problem in our relationship is that im team edward and my boyfriend is team jacob
It was all about her orgasm last night. I felt like a human dildo.
Thanks for sticking it out with old horseface last night... I owe you one buddy.
It was scary, we all screamed. Never make mimosas in a car.
thanks for waiting 12 hours to ask if I was in a ditch or not
Everyone is slow dancing to Aerosmith. I am serenading a slice of pizza.
Pro: she asked me to be a bridesmaid. Con: i only have about nine months to get over a phobia of midget strippers.
His dad was on the tv delivering the local 11 o' clock news while we were having sex
Rome wasn't built in a day - my bedroom skills weren't obtained in some boring monogamous relationship. Same thing. Right?
There was a clear and well defined point last night where I could've decided to go home but no now I've woken up with glitter all over my nuts and potentially an std or 2
I've been continuously high for the last 48 hours, and just broke my 4th vibrator. Coincidence? FIND ME A MAN I BEG OF YOU.
When I went to pick up Adam from the train station, I found him passed out, covered in gold paint and wrapped in a red blanket. someone had glued a gaudy green rhinestone to his forehead. He looked homeless.
I hope no one at work can tell or smell that I have tequila in my hair and I haven't showered for days
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