new low: my hungover self just mistook bacon grease for mashed potatoes. worst. mistake. ever.
Im at a party and this guy hitting on me just showed me his 'caution choking hazard' tattoo right above his penis. There goes any chance he had of getting laid tonight.
my little brother just told me that I should start chasing my vodka with slim fast. genious.
she said she didn't want to sleep with me again because I wasnt a generous lover. I ignored her slight moustache, didnt i? i think thats pretty damn generous
I was just given a safe word. It's going it be an interesting night.
the black eye was caused by a 12 year old girl in a vampire costume who punched you in the face after you aggresively screamed "TEAM JACOB!" in her face & howled at the moon...
Go ahead. I tried to back up ur budhism story but she mite be catching on
Dammit. I hoped that would work. Just tell her I'm doing my pilgrmidge to Nepal or something.
Well, there goes the no drunk sex injuries resolution.
I would like to apologize for my MANY attempts of trying to motor boat you.
For gods sake, I only took one. With two nyquils. What a happy world its been today. Fulfill your obligations and then its marvelouso.
Trust me man, I did not put any cookies down your pants when you slept.
Very excited! Vodka will be shot, dicks will be ridden, and memories made.
This is going to be one of those "I can only do this high" classes
WHY IS FOOD SO DELICIOUS
BECAUSE SCIENCE
Be happy for me... Or horny... Or be a really good friend and feel what I want you to feel. Jealousy
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