My sheets look like a crime scene.
i just turned barefoot contessa into a drinking game. everytime she uses a knife butter or salt i drink.
I wish I could still say I don't know that you taste like bad ice cream.
I just smelled my beer. It smells like coming home.
I just puked in a penis shaped cake pan. I've hit an all new low for a Tuesday.
he legitimately fell asleep standing up at the club. everyone was impressed
I literally just wrote "I'm sorry" in my blue book, got up and walked out
The druken crowd just broke into singing "God Bless America" while waiting the newlyweds to get in the limo. My friend is eating rose petals.
Yea... you were given too many get out of jail free cards. God just gave up on you having a healthy and happy vagina.
He wrote me poetry. 12 hours after getting my number
And if I could both stabilize myself *and* pick things up with my penis... Well, I wouldn't be on the fire dept...
so i ran into nick. i may be more gay than anticipated
I was told to keep my leg elevated. I assume it means to keep my legs on the air, it's like I was prescribed to be slutty
Can you come get me? I woke up in the woods behind the Super 8. I have pizza.
ive started thanking my toys after masturbating. might be time to get some fuck boys
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