i just posted a lake picture of you with a dead fish in your mouth. happy july 5th.
I have the worst farts today, I'm walking by the cubicles of people I don't like and leaving them surprises. Brb.
he stole me 6 pairs of frilly undies and proclaimed "your ass looks like a 5 in those. it'll be a 10 in these bad boys". every girl needs a gay bff.
Have you ever looked at the 750mL bottle of wine on the seat next to you knowing that it's just not going to be enough?
Each and every day.
Was that not clear on Friday when I nearly deapthroated two ice cubes?
THAT IS NOT SOMETHING YOU TELL SOMEBODY THE FIRST TIME YOU MEET THEM IN THE DARK.
He fingered me and now wants me to go get plan b because of it. WE'RE IN COLLEGE.
I'll explain later but basically I was feeling dangerous, I'm dressed as Ann Romney and Ann Romney is a bad bitch.
Could have had sex with an ex NFL kicker last night.
That would've been embarrassing.
think I signed up for a 5k last night while blackout.
I was behind him snuggling, I told him I was the big spoon and he told me I was too little it was more like he was wearing a backpack.
My guy issues hinge on tonight's game. Caps win, it's Dustin. Rangers win, Josh. I even flipped a coin to see who got what team
I will teach you the ways of the ho life, my little gay grasshopper.
Just found a pair of vomit-soaked socks in my purse, three days after the party... Now I know why my wallet was wet.
The girl at the liquor store remembered me as "the girl who pays in hundreds" so she didn't ID me
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