Your mom can still drink beer standing on her head! Talk to you tomorrow :)
Mom wtf!?
Just ate applesauce I laced with percocets for dinner. I'm pretty sure my grandmother does the same thing.
Just threw up in the garbage can outside the liquor store... I'm pretty sure that's some sort of distress signal.
Next time I say "Watch this" Get me the fuck out of the bar.
please dont ever try to drink horizontally again. I thought I was going to have to give you cpr
... there are chew marks on my license. I have no idea.
from the looks of the bare footprints in the snow it looks like i was dancing in circles which explains the frozen puke
Okay. But I hope it isn't expensive lingerie. Because I'm ripping it off Hulk Hogan style.
He came over and said its legs day so put them in the air! Fucked me for 30 minutes and said he had dinner reservations to go to. Well i just ran into him and his friends hammered at Taco Bell
hand jobs are a waste of time that only lead to arm cramps. Also, where do you look...his eyes, at the penis, at the tv?
yeah the "where to look" question is super awkward
Wait do we still get bagels if no one got laid
I know it doesn't seem right, but sometimes, bagels are just flat out called for.
So how exactly do I backtrack from motorboating and ass grabbing?
she walked through the crowd, completely naked, slapped a pool attendant in the face and stole the towel he was carrying. she used it to dry her hair.
I want to get drunk and watch somebody else's tragedy.
The neighbor just poured gasoline on his 2 brush fires and proceeded to shoot Roman candles at them 🤔
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