I woke up at 5am and he was watching me sleep... Come get meee!!??
I'm having a terrible night. Can I sleep over?
Too tired to pretend that I care : (
I want to make Jon&Kate babies with him. Not in quantity, but in percentage asian.
Did I get blown in the bathroom? Yes. Did she throw up cranberry juice on my shorts? Yes. Did she finish the job? Yes.
Goddamn it, are you fucking her sister?
did you know it's going to storm tonight?
You bitch. At least tell Laura she's a better kisser.
I just puked into a plastic bag at a red light. Go me.
After Sake bombs he tried to puke into an alluminum beer bottle and shot vomit streaks in a perfect V out the sides of his mouth and hit BOTH girls he had bought drinks for that night. He was like an Icon of Cock-blocking yourself.
He asked me where I wanted it. I told him in the condom. He stops mid thrust and says "you're no fun" and then blew. Chivalry is semi dead.
Don't make it weird, I don't think about you when I'm climaxing, it's just that I see you rooting me on.
Nothing like a false "my-dad-found-my-weed" alarm on Christmas day.
C'mon. I'm still an alcoholic at heart, regardless of its broken or not
I was standing in my mom's kitchen in only my neon green thong, eating pizza over the garbage can, and sobbing while he was yelling at me.
I might as well walk around wearing a sandwich board and accept the fact that I'm dying single.
I have a 30 minute video visit blind date tonight with a guy in prison. And it's costing me $9. ROCK... BOTTOM...
WEED BROWNIES! He put weed in my brownie mix! And he got it from YYYYOOOOUUUU!
Look at the bright side mom. After 20 years dad is still capable of surprising you!
Shut up Max.
Randomize
