my drunken desire to be gossip girl continues to ruin friendships for me
Do you have any cake mix? I kind of need to make a "im sorry i drank all your parents tequila, threw up all over your floor and slept with you boyfriend" cake.
I was just about to go down on her when she gave herself a "smell check" and said "no, not today".
the way i see it, im about one adderall binge away from graduating
I envy the lives of milf's kids, the little kid grabs her tits and she just laughs and says not now
Found your glasses drenched in ketchup on my driveway this morning
Another day, another engagement, another cat
You're fucking beautiful as shit and we should have loving sex...
I know. But whatever I'll just eat cold pizza and play with my cats by candlelight
On a scale of one to liver failure, how bad would it be if I played thunderstruck alone?
I'm seriously considering refraining from drinking on school nights.
I like how you say that with 4 school days left of the school year..
Could you imagine living in a city where bartenders are available by 1:30 AM
I'd have like 4 kids by now and at least one std
You went in the back with her.. And honestly I couldn't tell her neck from her tits man..
The port-o-potty that I peed in last night didn't actually have a toilet in it. And i never told anyone until this moment.
Every person I've ever had sex with is in Chipotle right now.
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