Someone should tell Glenda that I only hang with her because she makes me look prettier.
yea i came on her face and told her to bring a snorkel next time
Yep. About to get on pornhub to spill some Christmas cheer
Her boobs were tiny. I could have used her bra as a blind fold. Which in hindsight would have made things a lot better.
I suppose drinking a cosmo at lunch alone can't look good but I mean... sometimes it's just necessary
Pretty sure that I got the MVP of wedding reception... woke up on the bench in the hallway of a hotel and we did NOT start the night there.
COOKIE DOUGH CUPCAKES ARE A THING
Did you really just send me a blank text in response to news as awesome as that?
It's called the dick transitive property. It states if you touch a person whilst they touch a dick, you are also touching said dick.
All is fair in love and war and toga parties
I'm ordering sushi and crying over finals. Come over and bring wine.
I'm literally in my bed still trying to find the energy to take my corset off so I can binge eat oreos
Are you drunk already?
Not already - at LAST.
My mom purposely got me drunk so I can stay at her house bc "we don't spend enough time together." I blacked out anyway, so we didn't spend time together regardless.
So, I can officially cross "getting eaten out in a church confession booth" off my bucket list.
as a lesbian i'd like to thank joe biden and also america for giving us this absolute MILF for a VP
Randomize