I masturbated on the webcams with my bf yesterday then typed without washing my hands first... then my roommate used my laptop it was pretty priceless
Michelle found a bong in the garbage and sold it to my mom
are you going to last longer than 15 seconds
nope
Paddidles count extra in the back of a cop car
i just recognized the girl sitting across from me from a lesbian porno... should i ask for an autograph?
He was taking the caps off the vodka bottles and throwing them out the window so we'd have to finish them. Engineers have the best logic.
There's a wake for a coworker on 420 during te time of 420... Hoping everyone will be too sad to notice how high I am.
I wish a box of wine came w a hose. It'd be so much easier to drink from.
I dont think ive ever had a drunk day betray me so hard before
Dude I just came exactly at the crescendo of the Catalina wine mixer duet from step brothers.. Advance to next level.
Thanks for having me over last night. Sorry I licked rum off your kitchen floor.
Damn Instagram explore page. I am six months in to some girl I don't even know.
well it was naive of you to actually think you're the only bday sex he had lined up for him today. I'm just suprised he actually had a line forming outside of his room
I'm at this party and a blind kid just walked in and asked "where is the fucking pong table"
YOU'D BE LIKE A MERMAID! I'll bring you coffee filters to cover your tits.
Randomize
