When we were fucking i started barking and growling at her.. you shoulda seen her face
Reach down the front of your pants and feel around for a while. When you find your balls, leave the library and meet me at the bar.
You put a thong on my pumpkin didn't you.
Katy Perry is on a Proactiv commercial. That "I kissed a girl" shit is so much less hot now.
Pre-order weed for 4/20 and i'll give you a discount.
I heard from anne today. She has a broken collarbone and is knocked up. Apparently florida is awesome
Yelling drunk tank or bust at a cop, not a good idea
Times like this, when you talk openly about Tinkerbell being your spirit animal, are times when I'm allowed to question your sexuality.
I'm just sad for you. It sucks that the 17 douchebag asshole guys you're fucking can't morph into one nice, normal, non-alcoholic guy that has a drivers license and no criminal history.
Pizza delivery...for when you need to eat your feelings for the sex you aren't having
I'm getting shit face wasted, and I have to be up so early tomorrow. I am bad at smart.
You've never even broken a bone. You singlehandedly disprove natural selection
Momentum is force x velocity. So therefore velocity is 0 - hammered, and force is ur legs locked up and ur face hits the ground.
I felt paralized they just wouldnt move. We need segways when were drunk cuz if we start to fall forward they well take off and save the fall.
He just brought a live lobster to the party.
I can't believe I'm going to buy bitcoin to pay for erection pills
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