worst 3rd wheel sitch ever. i'm crammed into a booth with him and chubs mcgee and his hand is between her legs. thank youuu karma.
my debutante medallion kept hitting his balls when i went down on him
John Mayer's mother should have swallowed him when she had the chance.
As in blowjob or cannibalism?
I was thinking blowjob, but either would've been a better idea than giving him a record deal.
I sold 10 pepperonis for 5 dollars last night....i fucking love drunk people
I'm currently blowing up the downstairs bathroom at work. I wish I could foursquare this.
There was no way out of it, seeing as I left my photo ID right next to the vomit.
She insisted on fucking on the futon mattress on the floor, answered the phone call from her boyfriend who was on his way to pick her up, and then had the audacity to ask if I was clean
Your doorknob is in my back seat, in case you were looking for it.
we're going to drop off one of our cars at the police station tonight so we'll be able to drive home in the morning
I may or may not have just hot boxed a backhoe on the construction site of a police station that's being rebuilt..
New guy at the liquor store was inexplicably fascinated by our huge jug of williams. First he said what are you gonna mix THAT with? and looked confused when I said air.
Why the HOLY HELL is my dog on my roof??? Sam?? Why is the dog wearing my pants
You're telling that to the kid drinking Jack in nothing but a graduation cap
I'm too pretty to go to jail. Especially in Louisiana.
What can I say, like your penis. The fact that I like the person attached to it helps too
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