my mom walked in on my vaccuming.......i wasnt vaccumming
Scott woke me up by cracking a beer open in my face. Best friends are awesome.
I cant yet im literally covered in lube but I will later
just found out i can blow out the flame on the grill lighter fill my mouth with butane and ignite a fireball
You better wipe the dick of your lips before you come smoke this blunt.
Just found a uh poem I wrote on ambien. It says to "cry your seamen filled tears" and "I hope you take a dagger to your vagina" and at the end it says "sincerely, God". What.the.fuck do they put in that pill?
At least I'm doing lines with a notecard. That counts for something right
He had bigger boobs than me last night and we both weren't wearing a bra so it was a fair judgement
Just found weed in my belly button. Happy Saturday!
Donald Trump and I would be so adorably orange together!
I'm having an emotional breakdown watching baby sloths on YouTube you need to come save me from myself.
The guy that stalks me just looked out his window and saw me in his neighbor's hot tub. Get your shit ready the fraternity wars are starting.
especially when i'm drunk. his dick might as well be made of cotton candy.
I dont remember you getting a condom thrown at you. I think I had a concusion
Im about to get an ultrasound of my balls. I hate waiting. Its the worst.
Randomize
