im so horny i just used my electric toothbrush to masturbate. god help me
i woke up with "only hugh can prevent florist friars" written up my arm ... i need to know what we did last night
Watching Fresh Prince at 9am with a beer in hand and he just said to Uncle Phil "Sometimes I worry that I'll never get my life together." I feel like that was a sign from above or something
French people screaming and throwing stuff out the window. We told the manager and he's pissed and going up there. This is gonna be like cops. Maybe better than cops.
For Valentine's Day I've purchased six lighters and I'm decorating them for him. I'm on a full ride to an art school and this is what I'm using my talents for. An intervention is needed. Please stop letting me date stoners.
He walked door to door asking if anyone needed to get laid. Surprisingly, that ended his drought
The heart of my unhappiness in my job is that it's not a place where coworkers and I can draw dicks on everything to amuse each other
do u know what happened to the bottles last night?
apparently we hid them.... i google mapped the location into my phone
She has "Massive Shits" listed as a turn off. That's very specific and there's a story behind it I bet.
Sweet, got a date tomorrow night
I found her in my pantry with her shirt off twerking...I tapped her on the shoulder and she said she was giving Chef Boyardee a show and to give her a minute...
So I'm going to regale you with a tale of someone who went out, was fed way to many shots, got super wasted and now has a date with one of the security guards from the building but has no idea what his name is. That someone is me
I finally broke my dry spell. I did it. D-do-da-Dora.
I love you more than sex with randoms.... and we all know how much I love that shit.
My vagina is the only part of me that is pleased you lived through last night.
We left Waffle House and he took off running five miles down the road saying we were "training for the Olympics." And I mean, I couldn't leave him out there like that...
Randomize
