don't tell her this, but while we were doing it doggy style I picked up my phone and changed my status to "who let the dogs out"
Bad news is im a slut again. Good news is its with people ive been a slut with before.
When i tried to give you something that wasn't tequila...like water....you kept saying it was against your religion.
I've always been the spiritual type.
My plan for valentine's day: take a shot for every guy I've slept with. To keep me from going to the hospital I'm only doing half a shot for small dicks
you haven't felt a hangover until you wake up after a night of snorting tequila.
While I faked being asleep, he literally prayed to God out loud, asking for forgiveness for losing his virginity before marriage.
Hypothetically, if a stripper with braces bites you on the cleavage and it leaves an open wound, do you need a tetanus shot?
You're getting spoiled, you better send me at least a side boob pic if you wanna see my dick dressed up as Davie Crockett.
I feel like I just want to take a shot of jack, have sex, and shoot myself in the face. In that order exactly.
the cops are being surprisingly chill about david hanging from a tree with no pants.
Some crack addled fool from the sketch ass motel behind the restaurant just gave me a flyer for an AA group when I was on my smoke break. I don't do mornings
You passed out in your dogs bed and you only willingly woke up because I told there was a bottle of vodka and a snickers bar waiting for you upstairs
I puked in the back of my mom's new car because I had too much to drink at Chilis. I think I just hit rock bottom.
It's become almost a Pavlovian response. The sound of the vacuum being run by hubby causes an instantaneous involuntary orgasm.
He told me he loved me and I told him I shit myself
Randomize
