When my options for Friday night are being a 3rd wheel or bringing a gay man as my date i need to focus on other things in life like having a successful career.
his mom walked in while I was blowing him. he turned around in panic and accidentally punched me in the face. i have a black eye and only half the clothes i came here in. can you give me a ride?
Does it really count as two different guys if they're brothers? I like to think of it as one and a half.
she won't be coming home tonight because she tried stealing a baby giraffe from the zoo
Good, she had spurs on her boots. That is a sign for instant herp attack.
So I just did the math and everything in this room except the computer and my clothes has been in my vagina
Any time you can't remember a night, and you wake up in a sorority house, it's fucking worth it.
I'm doing laundry from this weekend.. That poor shirt I wore to the rave smells like a dead animal that rolled in weed and pain..
I bought 10 disposable adhesive bras and duct tape. If Home Depot can't help my breasts defy gravity, nothing will...
LMAO
I stole an accordion from the bar
Accidentally
I'm having ragrets about stealing the accordion
Today, I lack passion for anything but Taco Tuesday.
He sent me a flaccid dick pic from the bathroom at the bar and he said I'm sorry it's not all hard and good looking. Props to him - I did ask for a pic.
All I can taste is Pickle Juice and Cocaine.
He had a temporary tattoo of Justin Bieber on his dick and I still had sex with him
at the hospital. Kevin drank straight from the river
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