is your mom at the bar?
OMG. Drunk.
I'm so glad you fill me in on these things.
Sorry. Must've been trying to twitter.
did you hook up at the wedding?
No but I jerked off on the hotel sheets. I wanted to get my moneys worth.
Just got the orientation leader spot. For the first two days, I will be one of the best looking guys on campus. The freshman girls will be so disappointed they settled for me when everyone else comes back.
I remember seeing LSAT prep books and thinking "Whose room is this? I should be hooking up with them instead."
Stripperoke is exactly what it sounds...
I know for sure he's a bro because he closed the door so my gf didn't see me hooking up with her cousin.
Why do you need me to cover for work?
I wouldn't say NEED but lets just say I smell like guacamole and semen.
Be proud. All I did last night was roll around in my nun costume selling drugs. I love Halloween.
She was grinding on him and then she was eating a Big Mac. Who the hell brings a Big Mac to the club?
You raged at the rock climbing place for not selling beer and then just said "fuck it" and pulled out a flask.
I threw up in bed last night and tried cleaning it with oldspice and baby powder
gonna guess the empty vodka bottle and open can of tuna in the bathroom drawer are related?
If my life today were a movie the subtitle would be: Revenge of the Beer Shits
Lost my anal v card with Peter Thiel's RNC speech on in the background. Unbelievably appropriate
Randomize
