i just defriended some girl because according to her status she "doesn't give a fuck about shark week."
If they ask for a stool sample we r no longer friends.
I'll go out only because I know the starving children in third-world countries would frown upon us if we let an hour of free sangria go to waste...
Doctor said I have sports induced asthma.
Call me old fashioned, but around here we call that "out of shape."
i'm not sure when i reached "slam my own hand in the door" status but my half attached fingernail is not grateful.
I swear she hasnt shaved since the last time we hooked up 5 months ago
Just stared at a tree for a solid 5 minutes because I thought a German Shepard was perched on a limb.
Drank for free all night and I'm not even sleeping w the bartender. What is this magic?
My hungover walk of shame was interrupted by a stranger on a balcony throwing me a beer to shotgun... at 10 a.m....
My body is telling me there was tequila. My pictures say it was Jeff's fault
im single, its not even nine am on Valentine's day and I've already gotten laid. suck it relationships
I ask for a dick pic and he sends a picture of Dick Cheney. Who does that?
He was 6'8" - I shit you not! He sat up in my bed and the ceiling fan got him right in the forehead.
Did you really think putting a napkin over your head would make you giving him a bj less obvious?
Im so fucked up I'm drinking baileys and coffee just to stay awake.
It's 6 in the afternoon?
Randomize
