im pretty sure that there was a mint leaf in my poop this morning. i love mojito season.
Shark Week may as well be Shark Weed.
youre totally missing out on eating your boogers right now. my entire face is numb
I'm pretty sure God is rooting for me with this two gf thing
I dont think that yelling at the medic "Christmas is gone, fuck off santa" was the best idea when you couldnt feel your legs.
Did you hook up with him before or after he shaved off half of his eyebrow?
One of the art pieces was basically this chick throwing raw meat at the audience, anyone who got hit (which I did) got a free shot of whiskey. It was worth it.
GOIN TO BED BEFORE TEQUILA BLEEDS FROM MY EYEBALLS
It's not even 8 pm, or Saint Patrick's Day, and Kevin is drunk on my roof humping the air
You know it's really hard to draft fantasy football players in a crowded bar when I have a raging hard on
Drunk you decided to patrol campus as the Arrow and tell random bystanders "YOU HAVE FAILED THIS CAMPUS." Campus P.D. did not join your crusade.
That explains the nerd bow & arrow...
Hillary said in her victory speech "We're gonna come together". I've got a lib-boner.
he’s basically the devil with a fuck boy hair cut and chlamydia
Do you think telling guys I'm majoring in magic is a good pickup line?
It was like Strip poker and blow, but with Yu-Gi-Oh cards
Randomize
