No, i'm not gonna let you give me a footjob on the floor of the cheesecake factory. C'mon.
the people next to us in line are buying a 12 pack and a snuggie
I just made what I can safely estimate to be a 900 calorie pb&j. Fuck a serving size.
you're single. I'm single. let's spend vday with the 3 most important men in our lives: ben, jerry, and josé
THIS NIGHT WILL NOT GO DICKLESS
Guess who has got hockey tickets for tonight? Only cost me road head going to and coming from the game
People dont know what to do when a naked fat guy is running towards them. they panic
As I'm trying to leave her house she shushes me and puts my hand on her boob, then goes back to sleep. In like 30seconds. What the fuck.
Well yeah. Plus. My dick looks awful. So I would need to do some extreme makeover dick edition before even starting something so ridiculous.
Pretty good. Thinking about getting day drunk and filling out job applications so I don't hate myself as much
What the fuck i just wanna eat my froot loops and sext in peace. Y'all motherfuckers gotta be loud as shit and break my concentration
I HAVE A TEST I'M SORRY YOUR UN SUCKED DICK ISN'T MY FIRST CONCERN
i woke up on someones kitchen floor, and i used the gps in my phone to find my way home. im really glad you forgot about me.
is it still the walk of shame if his dad gave me a 'thanks for sleeping with my son' head nod on my way out this morning?
That's good. So do you know why there is a giant pile of old tires in the laundry room and kitchen?
Well we knew you needed some tires, found someone on the way home who was giving them away and took them all. Has to be 4 in there you can use.
Randomize
