There's an amish chick decked out in amish clothes on a cell phone staring at me.
I think my plan to not drink this week was just ruined by my mothers discovery of the chat function on facebook
Girls behind me in the library are trying to outslut each other with stories from last semester. I'm about to set my cock on the table between them and label it "tie breaker"
she danced around my room naked waving around the gold trojan magnum condoms singing "i have the golden ticket."
little did she know i was taping her the whole time.
He told her hed rather go bobbing for apples in puke than have sex with her.
there is a dorito bag in my car full of my mouth blood
Apparently he crashed because 3 different girls were trying to give him road head at the same time.
Maybe before the beach I should get a tracking chip in my arm.
The last thing I remember was riding in a grocery cart with two strangers while a cop pushed us
Those drunk pictures you took of me? My mom is showing those to my grandparents.
I am high playing guitar hero naked. Please don't let me die this way
her fuck buddy was butt ass naked in our kitchen making waffles but they tasted so bomb
Nothin ruins a fine afternoon like shitting ur pants
I just woke up, its 6AM and i'm pretty sure the guy passed out next to me is 70% ugly...
He just kept repeating "It was like meep meep meep on my balls."
Randomize
