Dude, I woke up in the kitchen, naked, with a blueberry bagel as a pillow.
Can I eat your pillow?
I just watered my plants with apple juice. Look what you made me do.
And he showed us your test. You wrote what is this shit and scribbled on it? Nice 3%..
i told you the emergency thong was a good idea.
You were laying in bed whispering and crying to the half eaten burrito saying "why am I shitting so much" and "what did I do to deserve this"
Some idiot from high school is in the hospital for bonging three beers up his ass
He should have died. Natural selection.
the parade is in 5 days. put your big boy pants on and come to beer training. time to build your tolerance. i can't have you passing out in a bush with a cape on again this year.
He's short and fat and honestly I think he's what my self esteem was made for
What is it with the dog running away when we have epic hangovers
I was sitting here smiling wondering why i'm so fucking happy at work. cookie has kicked in
I ate so much cake that I can't even enjoy a blowjob
That's the most first world problem I've ever heard in my life.
I just gave them my two week notice. Now is the perfect time to fuck my boss's son
Woke up in the hospital naked with my id's taped to my chest. Also apparently puked on two guys, two girls and an escalade (at the same time). Good night.
Guess how much it costs to flush your pants down the toilet?
Some sorority went “Dick or Treating” at a frat house and now the Halloween parties are canceled
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