what do you think about when you wanna get rid of a boner?
dying kittens.
I realize that when i start making 24-themed music videos in my head to the song 'love is a battlefield' that i really need to get out more
I just smelled my beer. It smells like coming home.
when the police officer said he was gonna take a picture of the car accident, you asked if you should pose on the hood
I know you're on vacation but you should know I just walk of shamed through a hotel lobby while leaving a threesome on Friday the 13th. Fuck superstition, I win.
i came home to her naked eating chilli on the living room floor. Stop giving her jager.
The Winnie the Pooh costume was great until you got drunk and started yelling at the kids asking for pictures.
You tried to sit down... There was a distinct lack of couch.
What?! Why else would they put table cloths on a table if not for discreet oral sex? That's why they were invented! Read a book...
I'm so sorry to hear about your grandmother. Also how many grams are in an eighth?
He responded to all of my texts prodding for dirty talk with "I will do anything you are comfortable with."\n\nChivalry is great, but being comfortable doesn't get me wet.
3 hour lecture of my biology teacher talking about isotopes and space shuttles. I'm way too high for this.
Got electrocuted a second ago, is it weird that I have a boner?
Like he legitimately was standing straight up, feet on the roof, not holding on to a moving car.
she said she was so hungover this morning in a way that sounded like she was apologizing for thinking she was attracted to me last night...
Randomize