Note to self. Condoms are not microwavable.
woke up naked, gf gone. There is a cup of change in the fridge, a bird in the bathroom, and odie is drawn on my ceiling. I live in a non sequitur
Omg!!!! Call me in the morning I just saw A stripper queef out a dollar
The only reason anyone found out he threw up is because everyone heard it sizzle the bonfire out.
hey, do you know how many packets of jello it takes to turn a handle of vodka into slutty girls?
oh, you know. just sitting in my bed high as fuck wearing a windbreaker and watching british tv.
My therapist keeps stopping to ask what 'hooking up' means
ITS ORAL SEX CAROL
Having boobs is probably the greatest thing in the world, free booze all around
i woke up with a kayak in my amazon shopping cart with 1 wrong digit on my credit card and the transaction wasn't going through.
My mom told me to get it out of my system now bc once I hit 30 it's not acceptable to get "white girl wasted".
Geez don't go to a bar for a few days and everyone freaks out.
Yes, you can go into Petsmart drunk but the cats awaiting adoption don't appreciate the soft pretzels squeezed through their cages.
I need two food groups: booze and turkey sandwiches
It's best not to have your booty call on social media. So if they post stupid shit, you still want to fuck them.
I just bumped into this random I hooked up with a few years ago at Steve's party. Talk about a fingerblast from the past!
Randomize