I was wasted and lost so I called the cops and asked for directions. It seemed logical at the time
you threw up in someones recycling bin and left a note apologizing. how drunk do you think you were?!
enterprise is going to pick me up, im too high for this
ol I'll be okay, it's only a christmas party so the worst that could happen is I end up playing madden naked again
come over after work tomorrow, liz and i will make all of your wildest dreams come true. so long as your wildest dreams involve drinking champagne at my house with two girls who won't have sex with you.
Come over so we can hookup and eat tacos. Those are 2 things you can't possibly turn down.
i like feelif swiord YOU ARE A GOD
My nose hurts from that stripper beating me with her tits
we came into the house to find you doing shots by your self and when we told you to stop you locked yourself in the bathroom...
did I at least say anything...
you meowed at us and said you're a cat and cats drink for a living
Well I never thought in the future I'd be able to say "hey remember that Easter I made porn?"
Only thig bad about that muscular chick from the gym is she liked it so rough I had to bust out a few wrestling moves from highschool
ugh I gave him morning sex and he doesn't even text me back for my bagel order
Omg. I can't go on a date with this man. His kids are too ugly.
That's why my boobs are so big, they're full of secrets.
Would you be opposed to me keeping a live lobster in the shower for a bit?
Randomize
