I think there's some kind of asian convention downtown. There are thousands and they're all wearing badges and snapping pictures. I feel like I just stepped into your worst nightmare.
The interviewer had a hook for his right hand I TRIED TO SHAKE HIS HOOK WHAT IS WRONG WITH ME
I'm just saying, asking "Are you happy with me?" during a handjob is simply unfair and scientifically inadmissiable.
Why do you think it's a no-pants party?
Invite says "dress to impress". Her fault for leaving it open to interpretation.
What if our hands were octopus tentacles?
You're an idiot.
Wait. Wine + Crossbow..?
Ask her if it hurt when she broke through earths crust as she ascended from hell
She can't brag about all the anal sex she has and then expect me not to awkwardly stare at her boyfriend when she brings him around
Remember that time I hopped home naked from the bar, then tried to convince you I was ok to drive you home? Good call on the taxi.
Do one night stands count towards my number?
Yes. A penis is a penis
Even bad ones?
YES.
My walk of shame was four miles long and I had to stop for a water break. I am the picture of class.
Yes, you can go into Petsmart drunk but the cats awaiting adoption don't appreciate the soft pretzels squeezed through their cages.
I was stuffing my face while buying a brownie and coffee and some kid I fucked came up behind me and said. Someone's hungry.
I wish people could trade lives with me for a day so they could see how much better my life is compared to theirs
Note to self: NEVER have sex with anyone who is experiencing explosive diarrhea.
I've never been so happy to be celibate.
Randomize
