So he ended up having sex with me, but it was so awkward. When it was over, he went to the bathroom, and he came back and asked, "are you on your period or something? there's blood on my dick..." and i said, "well it was supposed to start today, nice surprise...i am so embarrassed." and he said ,"it's better than you queefing." and as soon as he said that, i queef the hardest and loudest i ever had.
My boobs are too big for things to be going this downhill in my life.
just overheard a conversation that ended in "and that's what I learned in France" How could that not have been about sex
i was told that i was found face down in a plate of ketchup at the dinner table
... thanks for letting me perform minor surgery on myself last night.
I figured if you were smart enough to sterilize with vodka, you could handle it.
God damn. I'm really starting to resent babies. They're everywhere. Like fucking land mines.
He ate me out like a beaver on a tree. I've never been so scared in my life
"Shots" of grape juice. I fucking hate Utah soooo fucking much.
He ended our Skype call with, "I'm going to poop and then go play my ukulele in the park."
Yeah man... I ordered donuts, drank wine, and cried to a movie with Seth Rogen in it. Do you really think I have my shit together?
while i am personally glad that we met...i feel like for society as a whole it was a bad thing
Literally this kid just told me he's not planning to live past 30. Then he hit himself with a frying pan.
in other news i got caramel vodka poured on me. upside, i smell amazing
You lost me at unexpected butt stuff. Everything else I would probably do.
He's gone. He left a note but all it says is "Dear Neil" followed by a drawing of a hand flipping the bird in the direction of a butt.
Randomize
