On valentines day I took a girl on a date that I suspect was homeless
Me hooking up with her is like rush being president. Bad news.
i'm stoned. there's a jazz trio playing outside across the street...scared that mike myers will appear & start yelling 'woman...WHOA MAN. WHOOOA MAN.' i'm snapping my fingers.
It was like his mom forgot to breastfeed him and he was making up for lost time.
I just chased the everclear with Listerine...I think I found my new chaser!
he sent me a winky sad face. i cannot deal this level of pathetically needy flirtatiousness.
We had phone sex and he came in his sink. i will never eat off one of his plates again
Make this decision based on your love for dick - NOT based on the fact that its probably one of the worst things you've ever thought of doing
The ratio of last drink to last smoke is so tricky. This could go on until the booze is gone
Denial and avoidance are my survival strategies for 2013.
Denial, avoidance and beer.
Just got your message from Saturday. Shove all the kittens down your pants? Really?
I was emotionally compromised.
Proudest moment of my life. Just watched a guy walk into the side of a car because I winked at him. Love these yoga pants and my hair. Fuck yes. His mouth was hanging open.
And now I'm taking a break sitting on the bathroom floor thanking god that people who eat at subway are either too classy to piss on the floor, or are still relatively sober enough to not piss on the floor before 5pm.
I couldn't find a water bottle, so I sent her to school with her juice in a flask. Who the hell let me become a parent?
He managed to rip my nipple last night....
Randomize
