don't bother texting me at 10. my pants WILL be off and I'm not putting them back on to come see you.
fyi, we didn't break up, we just downgraded to occasional sex without ever talking about it.
idk but i have you stored in my phone as 'guy with beard doing body shots'
If you're going to outback I'll have to decline, I've slept with a large enough portion of their staff already.
I just finished spraying the foam party off my pumps with a garden hose
Yeah I ended up covered in the mud by the end, in a lady bug golf cart that was blasting jazz music with a dead phone
It was going great until he started saying "ooh kill em" under his breath with each thrust
I'm just saying, I walked in on you blowing a burrito. I now understand how obsessed you are with Taco Bell. And how long it's been since you've got some.
I'm not sure... But I think I just found a porno I starred in during my black out week of '08.
I just found one of your beard hairs in my oatmeal.
My Tinder date from last night is my Uber driver for tonight's Tinder date...neither of us said a word.
I got stabbed with a couple of chip crumbs during sex Saturday. Further proof I need to stop eating snacks in bed
I keep having dreams where I tie him up and eat cookies off of him while riding him. Wtf brain.
I can count on one hand the number of good things that happened over the past year.
drunk boyfriend and drunk me are NOT meant for each other
Randomize