Hi Jason, it's Liz. We dont need you to pick us up anymore. I dont care if you will be here in a milisecond. And you should know im wearing really amazing shoes.
as for my dating sex life, no more regret sticks. Only pride wands from now on.
Unmistakable female orgasm noises coming from upstairs shower
She must've brought a toy -- seriously doubt that he's up to the task
living well may be the best revenge, but it doesn't hurt that my exhusband is now dating a BEAST.
They told me I spent half the night at the club with one ball hanging out my shorts. Apparently it got me 1 free drink, 2 numbers, and thrown out.
No, when he said that he wished he had my eyebrows, THATS when I knew he was gay.
I passed out in the VIP room and she charged me for 17 songs until I woke up, theres a bouncer asking me for $700, fuck tequila
Whoever said that remembering a girls name is a basic rule for getting laid has never met me.
Was it fun? The night started with home made Jager and ended in him falling out of a tree with a pocket full of house numbers...you tell me.
Would it be playing god to put spaghetti on my pizza?
Eh. Fuck him. He's missing out. I'm legit naked and drinking straight from the bottle of wine.
Like I could say no to two hot people already naked and fucking. Please. I'm not made of stone.
Twice?!
Celebrated Veteran's Day by getting a Marine (who just got back from deployment in the middle east) drunk and laid for the first time in 6 months. #Murica
My life is in shambles. Just made a grilled cheese in the microwave on a hot dog bun
What the hell was that?
Genius. It was sheer genius.
Randomize
