hey babe. i'll pick you up in my mom's car. with my mom. she has nothing to do tonight.
just wrote on a church. and then stalked a boy, by the way, i fucked him. him being your friend, also, love tacos.
Most awkward sex ever...
And im texting you in the middle.
Please tell me you are a size medium in men's clown onesies and that you forgot them here last night.....
I think animal control just caught me smoking a bowl on the back porch. Do they have any say in this matter?? Haha
stef broke her leg trying to vault over the coffee table. these olympics drinking games are going to fucking kill us
I know, I know. But we've discussed my friends and appropriate social behaviour, and I'm pretty sure topless karaoke was a no-no.
Yeah when we were together he never sent me dick pics like a normal boyfriend. It was always pizzas. That should've been my sign.
I hate vagina strikes, but I must not stray from my path. My boyfriend will know the true meaning of blue balls.
Last night you made me help you pick the raisins out of a kashi bar and acted like it was the most important thing to ever happen to you or our friendship
The bump on my forehead, i think, was from falling asleep at front door, on my knees, slumped over. But we played good music so what?
Yeah she's a complete bitch. But I mostly hate her because she hijacked my fuck buddy.
Yeah, so, that moment when the repair guy comes in and you see your cock ring on the counter one second before he does.
It's situations like these that make me climb out of windows
That's a gentle way of saying I passed out like an 18-year-old on his first trip to Tijuana
Randomize
