ofcourse shes the first one pregnant. wasnt she the one who asked the middle school health teacher how many calories are in sperm?
I have discovered something important. The trick to making food taste better is not always 'more hot sauce'.
you know you go to a catholic school when you are rollin a joint with matthew 14:1-12
There is a limo involved. Man up, and make yourself puke. Its only one more night of blacking out.
Im drunk on a hayride surrounded by toddlers. they are judging me.
There is a bottle of ciroc waiting graciously on my breakfast table. It's almost a sign for me to live up to my Russian blood.
My mom is lecturing me about 'invaluable housekeeping skills' while I google 'cocktails involving gin' on my phone. I can feel the generational gap looming in her silent judgment of my choices.
When this bachelor party is over and your life is in ruins, you have my permission to die.
I think I shall call his penis Gatsby. We talk about it all the time, but I never see it.
A 74 year old man offered to let me sleep on his pull out couch last night.
I was apparently the best non-Irish person at the party. I wore my skating dress, Austrian flag and a giant shamrock. Everyone is calling me "30 Shots Girl".
Leave it to me to sleep w a guy who gets poison ivy on his dick
I'll just go on tinder. Seeking strong male to help take apart ikea furniture and move. I'll touch your dick.
Were you the one who yelled "FOR GLORYHOLE!" then punched a hole through my door?
i'm currently watching a guy eat a bunch of cacti and i have lost all faith in humanity
**cactuseses
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