i'm pissing behind 7/11. if you guys leave... i'll think it's funny too
im six kinds of drunk right now
Why the fuck was there a shirtless Mexican in my apartment this morning?
Just taught my suite how to queef. I feel like i'm back in 9th grade!
you know its a sad night when you can actually see and hear sitcoms on at the bar
Right when I walked into the party my boyfriend stood up and yelled, "HEY TITS, GET ME A BEER!"
I just had my first boner in 64 days today....glad to find out my fluids are still pumpin
Thanks for letting me rent out your vagina rec room. I don't expect the security deposit back.
I haven't had a normal poop since halloween, we are not mixing vodka and tequila ever again
RESPECT THE VODQUILA
dude, im taking a shit and i just realized it's his MOM in the shower not him...oh fuck
Hey! I need booze. And penises. And a lot of mistakes that I will regret in the morning.
I have a rash on my arm from the cat litter. Think the cat will be mad that I peed in its box?
Drinking hard cider in a room full of freshman girls. Never felt so secure of my manhood
I probably wouldn't
So when I walked out, everyone was chanting ONE OF US, someone draped a lei over my head, and then she grabbed my ass and dragged me back into the bedroom. I'd say it was a pretty good night to lose my virginity.
I just gave myself a foot massage. #SingleAsFuck
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