i just saw an asian skipping down the street and it made me think of you
So I just walked into the bathroom, and there was this kid, talking to his mom, while taking a shit. I flushed the toilet next to him and heard him say into the phone, "No, I'm not. I'm in my dorm."
sorry for throwing an entire water bottle of vodka at you. It was very wasteful
No, but its not like diarrhea. i swear its like my intestines had a secret bank account and i just punched in the right pin.
Gonna send a picture of my negative pregnancy test with the message "Merry Christmas" to the guys I've been sleeping with. That alone, will put a huge dent in my shopping list of gifts for people.
Highlight of the week: I had sex with a B movie star wearing an eye patch.
What part of "he tried to put his dick in my ear" did you not understand??
A homeless guy wouldnt accept my granola bar because he didnt have any teeth. I think i win the prize for the ultimate rejection
because. if I can't sit outside naked and eat my watermelon every morning then I really don't see the point in moving in with you.
No more going to class sober.. Tried it for a day or two, its just not for me
Learn from my mistakes, you naive soul: Gay love triangles are just as dangerous as straight love triangles.
what food is Colorado known for?
Pot brownies.
nothing like a long car ride to make you think of all the bad things you've done
She was talking about how a garden gnome was hitting on her the whole night. We thought she was just that high, but turned out the gnome was that guy in the weird hat.
I told her I wanted to go swimming and she responded with jello shots, taking off her clothes, and jumping into the pool...I think I'm in love
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