my phone needs a breathalizer
went to sleep on the couch in jeans and socks. woke up in bed totally nude no memory of moving. best farewell party ever
this is like her 8th guy since december, is she wasn't frumpy people would call her a whore
Speaking of school, I've done the math and I get laid about 10 times more often than I did before I got my law degree. $100,000 well spent.
i got so high last night i cried hysterically for like 5 minutes because i dont have any superpowers
Condom broke. Took her to CVS for plan B and parked in expectant mothers spot. I laughed.. she cried
all i remember is that her bootyshorts said 'shameless' and that there was no turning back.
Next time when I try to seductively eat onion rings while drunk remind me of tonight.
She went home with him because he works at Jimmy John's and his car "smelled like meat"
She was into my hawaiian shirt and id never made out with a dinosaur... I feel like it worked out for everyone
That is cause you are some weird type of mutant that lives off of Alcohol.
Never underestimate the power of loudly proclaiming you want to make out with someone
IDK MAYBE BC I WOKE UP IN AN AIRPORT WITH A ONE WAY TICKET TO LONDON
I now know he's been cheating for a while. I also know HER name, address, phone number, Facebook account, religion and zodiac sign. I feel like I'm earning my restraining order. Point is, never fuck over a librarian.
Sorry I missed your call. I was in the shower washing away my sins and sweat. Please tell me you want to get drunk as shit later.
Randomize
