she spent the whole night flailing her arms because "primates are the only species who can move their arms like that and we shouldn't waste it"
This is a mass text: my birthday is tomorrow, and I want a full day of birthday sex. Send me your availabities. Time slots begin at noon
it took me 7 solid minutes to realize "egggGSaucetingf" meant "exhausting"
He just dragged himself across the floor on his back claiming to be "the swiffer" help
remember that guy i blew in a bathroom in barcelona, i just blew him again in rome. lightning does strike twice.
Omg, looked at my call history, and judging by the times of calls it took me like half hour to walk home frommcds
I don't feel bad about fucking old guys. That's what I want. It's what I likeeeeee.
And now I'm drinking leftover wine in the grad lounge because fuck my life
I woke up at 4 am. Literally pissed. No idea what happened. I could have fucked a cow.
So when this rash is gone wanna hang out?
Ohh I see how it works, eat pussy and I get Reese's pieces.
I wound up running down the street in 12 degree weather in just my bra and then fell asleep cuddling my bottle. You tell me how last night went.
Pregnancy has ruined porn for me. I can't watch a hot chick get it on without being jealous of her perfectly waxed shit. I can't even see my shit.
i ate pretzels. i might be the first human to be hospitalized from pretzels. that's how bad this is.
I guess you could say the date didn’t go so well since I was drunkenly Snapchatting with my ex by the end of it.
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