I woke up at 5am and he was watching me sleep... Come get meee!!??
So, someone in Olympia stole my credit card # last week and bought a platypus vibrator with it. That’s it.
walked right past julianne moore (on her walk of shame this morning) god i love new york. :)
Going abroad, it was like my vagina was in a candy store... a sweet sweet british candy store
I think it might be brain cancer. Hangovers can't be this bad
So my date night ended with us watching porn with his roommate.
Look if you're not going to be mine and take care of my needs, I'm going to fuck your sisters.
the last call horn was blaring when I tried peeling you off the bathroom floor than you uttered "Ill take the toothless one.'
Aw don't be embarrassed. It was all good fun! We've all been there. You can't come to vegas and NOT get a little alcohol poisoning. That's like going to church and not praying.
Now that I'm sober, I'm realizing you put your name in my phone as "wowww"
"Don't bang the neighbor, don't bang the neighbor, don't bang the neighbor..." he chanted helplessly
I brought a travel sized bottle of baby powder and sprinkled it on all of the couples making out on the wall in the basement
Its only once in a life time you get to pick your vcard swiper up from jail
The thing I'm gonna miss about him is his dick.
The best part of being a lesbian? If I'm late for work at a hookup's place I can use her make up and peace out. Well and all the sex of course.
Randomize