i wish i could "like" people's thoughts in real life like i can on facebook
you can....by speaking....
Dude, I think my check liver light just came on
I just found a beer pong ball in my mail box. I think its a sign
I like how washing the beer bong is now a regular part of washing the dishes.
I feel like a need a fire hose to wash off what I did last night
At 4 am, making my walk of shame, the hotel security followed me to my car with his flashlight shined directly on me. I felt like either a criminal or like I was about to get raped. Can't a girl sneak out of a hotel room without an actual spotlight on her?!?!?!
I'm sorry for biting your husband's ass last night.
I'm going to fuck every single member of the men's olympic swimming team and no one is going to stop me
You told me you had two boobs that want to be naked for me. I'm just following up on your request.
Drunkenly tried to auction off Merik's pancakes at Ihop. Apparently I make a great auctioneer. Also, no one wants 30 cent pancakes.
Everything was going well until he very loudly said that he wanted to cum on my fingernails.
valentines day is a day for loved ones to share. So me and my vibrator. Happy holidays.
dude, i just found out morgan freeman loves weed. all my moms arguments are now irrelevant
Clearly you've confused me for someone who has their shit together, and honestly I have no idea how you did that.
Maybe the "i killed someone" and "tequila makes my clothes come off" comments freaked him out.
Randomize
