1. Mark my dj buddy and I spent $1000 on bottles last night
2. We were casually offered narcotics while walking down the street
3. I will still be awake when you start school tmw, cause there's no last call
So if any tells you miami is the same as the rest of america, there are just lying to you
grandma shit on top of the toilet
Her gag reflex was as absent as a father figure must have been in her childhood
just spent all of my last class as a college student, vomiting in the bathroom. its moments like these i will cherish
somehow I got talked into dressing up like a hot dog, spinning around ten times, and shooting lay ups in front of thousands of students
I woke up to a topless girl handing me a blunt. Candidate for greatest wake-up ever?
mom just texted me "hawaii ambien". those are like the two things she talks about to keep me interested in spending time with her.
I met the perfect girl for you, she's smart, likes cars, has at least one ear, and really blue eyes!
please elaborate on, "atleast one ear"
the bride spent most of the night apologizing to people she had punched earlier.
In that case, I'll try 2 find a date. But my options are AA friends or fuck buddies.
Sorry I invoked the "everyones getting smacked including myself policy last night"
I was so high the sounds of a cricket drove me out of my home at 4am.... Boo that fucking cricket
She has that type of face she reminds me of that weird girl from napoleon dynamite only taller and with hoop earrings.
Did you mean to say flashlight? Or did your grandpa really give you a fleshlight for your bday?
You know it’s going to be a rough day when you scream “Get fucked” at your alarm clock
Randomize
