getting caught by my parents in bed with another guy was way easier coming out than telling them over dinner like I had planned.
you decided to have a spaghetti fight but then you got greedy and decided to eat it all.
The only thing better than Call of Duty is getting jerked off while playing Call of Duty.
Just did an upsidedown spineboard shot. Gotta love lifeguard parties.
I woke up on the ground next to a bed of naked men. I'm either a drunken genius or the enemy....
she's unstoppable after she starts doing shots and yelling NANNER
Whatever, consider condoms an eighteen year investment.
I could probably save all of the money I would have spent on condoms and put a kid through college.
We used a snorkel as a funnel. Can you say desperate?
I just realized I slept with a guy who used the pickup line "do you have a bandaid? I skinned my knee when I fell for you."
Ok. I'm gonna smoke some weed and look at some elephants without you then.
Y'know i appreciate how accepting you are of me being a terrible person.
Oh well, he'll live. He has a hand and a penis.
mid-sex she goes "oh my god. you aren't even going to remember my name in the morning, are you?". And i was so wasted that i straight up told her "honestly, I don't even remember your name right now"
there is a naked boy in my bed & you just need to kick him out because i do NOT want to see him when i'm sober.
When you're as high as I am right now brushing your teeth is both magical and fucking terrifying
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