Dear everyone that texted me last night wondering where i was. i ended up face down blacked up drunk before i made it to the party. My bad
I hit a bug from across the room with my flip flop boomerang style. That awesome.
She kept saying 'I love you' but i couldn't tell if she was talking to me or to her beer.
At one point I went looking for you and found you handcuffed to a chair. I'm pretty sure you handcuffed yourself. I don't know how you got there.
Idk if I woke up next to a cat or raccoon. either way it's purring.
he just sent me a picture of his penis sticking through a piece of paper that he had drawn a stick figure with tits on it that said "you"
Ok. Here's the plan. Take your hand (whichever is closest), summon all your nerve, and just stick it right down his pants.
I love you.
Stephen I'm in a lecture and the lecturer just said 'you can CHOOSE to put something in your mouth and swallow it" i'm the only one here who burst out laughing, this is awkward. Thought you'd appreciate it.
They'll never let you practice medicine.
I should not be this drunk in a place where a girl is wearing a princess dress
Not sure what happened last night, but I woke up without a shirt on and cereal glued to my boobs...
I am the oldest one here and I STILL feel like I need an adult. help.
We ended up shitfaced at the house after the Super Bowl trying to get someone from Scientology on the phone.
THIS FUCKNUGGET
DOES HE EVEN REALIZE HOW MANY INCREDIBLE INSULTS I'VE WASTED ON HIM
I'VE INSULTED THE EVERLOVING SHIT OUT OF HIM AND HE CAN'T EVEN APPRECIATE IT
THE HO
I'm going to force her to break up with me this week. Tonight I plan to shit the bed. If that doesn't work I'm not sure what's next.
I'm seriously considering starting a savings account so I'll have bail money this summer.
Randomize