I wish my cat could text because i would tell him that everything will be ok. and i wish he could send them back..but him have no thumbs. him no know what he would text with.
like if someone fucked a dictionary but instead of having a penis, it was just one of those leap frog educational toys
I hope to god you are high
I wanna get so fucked up that I try to catch a coyote in a pillowcase, breakdance fight a lion, and send back some toast at Denny's when I see its slightly burnt.
...there is blood under my fingernails.
...I hope my roomates are okay.
:O -> O: ... that's emoticon for "he threw up in my mouth while we were making out"
blowing a .13 at 10 AM isn't nearly as cool as I thought it would be.
I'm at the grocery store, it's 10 am and the woman in front of me just bought 3 boxes of wine. She turned around and told me not to be afraid
herpes texted me again. he says he wants my vagina.
ok we should really consider changing this guys nickname...
My ATM looks so different sober.
Pretty sure I just heard the turkey yell "don't put me in there" as it was going in the oven. way too high for this holiday.
I'm riding shot gun after Shawn took a dump in a happy meal box because we were making record time.
From scraping the remnants from a coke bag at a lingerie party to meeting with an 80 year old man to discuss civil rights all in under 12 hours bizarrely feels like the epitome of my life
Her tramp stamp said call me maybe. You should have run for the nearest decontamination shower immediately.
Would you be opposed to me keeping a live lobster in the shower for a bit?
All I could think about was how many vaginas had been on the toliet that I was pukin in
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