my debutante medallion kept hitting his balls when i went down on him
So you know how craigslist used to have an "erotica" section? And how after you click on a link it changes a darker color? And how Dad stays up really late most nights?
Oh god... well at least he's gettin some. Mom's a prude.
I just smelled my beer. It smells like coming home.
You need to get here now. A drunk girl just stumbled into our apartment. shes laying on the floor by our door.
Lost is over, my longest committed relationship is coming to an end.
I love drunk self when he leaves a prepacked bong for the morning... in the bathroom.
we weren't quite sure what was on that mirror, so we snorted it and hoped for the best
For the record it's 1026 and you told me I could leave you in the bathroom.
Also, your vagina needs a time out and let your brain have a chance to make decisions.
Yeah he got kind of mad when he found out he had chased his last two shots with a combination of orange soda, water, and used mouth wash.
After she asked if she could try to fit her toe ring around it, i decided to leave. Thats the life i live
This girl ordered Hershey syrup and red wine and he made it for her
I'm training him to sit when I whistle the tune from the hunger games. I'm going to be the coolest parent ever.
I saved a sauce packet from taco bell that said "Free me" to use in my next break up.
They don't really make a "hey I'm fucking your ex wife" card do they ?
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