The only person who has seen my penis more than that girl, is that girl's sister.
She threw her promise ring on the ground, that's when the freak came out.
U handed him a box of flavored condoms, winked, and slurred, "grape juice is her favorite."
It's like the god of all feather dusters, but for your vagina
It really is the softest mustache
Your cat is quite the conversationalist after some tequila and shrooms
I told him if I was pregnant we were coming out to the people at work, because I'm not pretending to get knocked up by an imaginary boyfriend.
Can I color on your dick again?
I'm surprised, it's been so long you must be starving
At a certain point, the zombie-like hunger goes away. Then the sadness sets in. Then you start lying to yourself that you're taking some "me time." Then you remember you dodged chlamydia and Buddha knows what else. Then you're at peace with it.
Im fairly sure two chicks roofied me last night. Suckers. I love free drugs.
She pulled me up to my feet by my hair. I thought it was you for a second. My drunken angel savior.
He keeps asking the karaoke guy to play let it go from frozen so he can sing it in a falsetto
You're the only guy I know who could convince a lady at the pharmacy to trade you her pain pills for your antibiotics.
You make any dick jokes involving sushi and there WILL be consequences.
Sushi is fucking sacred in this house and I will kill you if you try and taint that.
I'm sorry I tried to spit drugs down your throat like a baby bird last night.
Um, just removed my insulin from the fridge so that I could fit our case in there. Tell me, who has their priorities straight? THIS GIRL.
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