smoked weed with Joakim Noah last night....if he was half as fast to the basket as he is to grab a joint from me we'd have another championship on our hands
We really need to stop competing to see who can get more drunk, and I REALLY need to stop winning.
I take your lack of response to mean that your hands are taped to 40 ounces of something.
anyone who says having children is the best experience of their life obviously has never seen a vending machine carry vodka in Capri sun pouches.
It's okay. My lingerie drawer is skanky enough for the two of us. Even across borders.
Why were you eating a hot dog in the bathroom at 230 am?
My roommate was sleeping, I thought it would be rude
I was trying to fart in my sleep in the hopes that he would leave
I jumped out of a moving car going sixty into my driveway because I had to shit so bad. It is not a good day today.
We haven't been trashed enough to shut down a bar together in four days. I'm starting to worry that we're growing apart.
I have the starring role in a literal shit show.
Remember that time we turned a can of Axe body spray into a flame thrower?
i can trust myself, just not when im drunk. and drinking is my favorite pastime
Well that's disappointing. I guess I'll give a lesson on dick-breaking another time then
We fucked on the roof... like that has to mean something
You do realize it’s only a matter of time before I have a bad day and come home with an alpaca?
Randomize
